Why don't you hate me?
by x-smith
Summary: it occurred to me that this is something that would have effected Matt, but the show never really addressed it. Matt is confused about something that happened on their adventure, and decides to talk to Tai about it. i don't own


AN/ I know Matt might seem a little too emotional in this, but he's been thinking about stuff and getting himself worked up all day. Constructive criticism is appreciated.

Why don't you hate me?

Matt sat with his back to the campfire, lost in thought, unable to sleep. Was Tai angry with him? No, he didn't act angry – there had been no fights, no arguments, no…nothing. No reaction at all. But how could he not be mad? Perhaps he was just waiting till Matt let his guard down before he attacked, but then that didn't seem like something Tai would do. If Tai had a problem with someone he let them know about it, and he'd said nothing at all to Matt all day. At least not about…what happened. At the same time Tai wasn't avoiding him. Matt just couldn't understand it, if it had been him he would have been furious, and he would certainly have said _something_ by now – even if he'd had to drag Tai away from everyone else to do it he would have found a way to confront Tai. But Tai was silent, as though he was pretending that…the incident…had never taken place. But it had! It _did_ happen and Matt was at a loss as to why Tai seemed not to care.

"Hey."

Matt turned to see Tai sitting on a convenient log on the other side of the fire. It was Tai's turn to keep the first watch tonight, so he shouldn't really be surprised he was awake. Matt eyed him warily, perhaps now they would have their confrontation. He promised himself that whatever Tai wanted to dish out to him, he would take without compliant – after all, after what he did Matt deserved it.

"Hey."

"Can't sleep?"

"Obviously."

The two sat in silence for a moment. Matt was tense. What was Tai waiting for? Why was he just sitting there staring at him? Why didn't he make his move already?

"So, what's up?"

Matt blinked. "What do you mean?" What was Tai playing at? Why didn't he just get to the point and beat Matt up so they could move past this already? And why did he look…concerned?

"Don't play dumb Matt. Something's been bugging you all day. Tell me – maybe I can help."

Help? He wanted to help Matt? All he was doing was confusing Matt further. "Somehow I doubt that." Matt's voice was soft, his tone slightly bewildered. What was going on? Was Tai really not angry with him?

"Come on, am I really that hard to talk to?"

"No…" Matt stared at Tai uncertainly. What was wrong with him? Why wasn't he mad? Could he really have forgiven Matt so easily? But that didn't make any sense!

"Then tell me what's wrong!"

Then again, since when did Tai _ever_ make sense? Well, if he really wanted to know…"You."

Tai stared at him in silence for a moment "…Well, I'm glad that's cleared up. You know it would be really awful if you were vague about it – but _I'm_ the problem. Makes perfect sense." His tone sounded bitter and Matt flushed slightly. That had come out wrong. But to his dismay Tai still didn't seem angry, and showed no signs of wanting to start the pounding that Matt felt he deserved. He just sat there, staring. Matt almost growled at him. Why was he being so dense?

"Shut up, I didn't mean it like that. And besides, _you_ asked."

"So would you care to explain then? I know I can be a jerk sometimes-" Matt snorted and Tai amended what he had been about to say. "-Ok, so most of the time, but whatever it is that I did would you please just tell me so I can fix it and you can stop being weird?"

Matt looked up, startled. _He_ was being weird? "What?" What indeed. What did Tai think he needed to fix?

Tai gave him a frustrated look. "Well you haven't even disagreed with me today – not once! – and it's kind of off-putting. I can't think what it was I did that's made you so mad that you won't even shout at me over it, and it's really starting to creep me out. Normally when you get mad like this you yell and punch me until you work out the aggression, and then we sit down apart from the others and discuss exactly _why_ I'm being an idiot _this_ time. But now you won't speak to me – or even look at me – and I don't know what to do."

Matt stared at him in shock "You…you think this is about something _you_ did?" he whispered in disbelief. Tai thought _Matt_ was mad at _him?_ What planet was this guy even from?

Tai blinked in surprised. "…You mean it isn't?"

"No! It's…it's me." Why did Matt have to explain this? Why didn't Tai get it?

Now Tai looked as confused as Matt felt. "I thought you said _I_ was the problem?"

"You are…"

"You're not making any sense Matt. Am I the problem or are you?"

Matt stared into the fire, so many emotions swirling around inside him that he felt he would burst. "I'm not sure anymore." He said softly. Why wasn't Tai angry? Had Matt been wrong in thinking it would be a big deal to him? Did Tai just not care at all? But no, Matt had seen him with her – there was no way to fake that kind of look. Maybe it _would_ help if he talked to Tai about it. Maybe then Tai would stop being his usual dense and ignorant self and realise just what he was supposed to be mad about. "I don't understand you Tai, I've been trying to figure this out all day."

"Figure what out?"

Matt looked up and met Tai's gaze squarely. This was it, everything would come out now. Tai would get past whatever little roadblock had been set up in his mind and pound Matt into the dirt. But Tai's eyes held nothing but concern for the Child of Friendship. Matt wanted to scream, but he restrained himself – after all he didn't want to wake TK – and said in a quiet voice, "Why don't you hate me?"

Tai stared at him as though wandering if he had miss-heard. When it became obvious that Matt wasn't going to say anything else he said very slowly and a little uncertainly, "Why would I?"

Matt almost did scream when he heard that. "I asked first." He growled. Did Tai think this was some kind of joke? After what Matt had done he actually had to _ask_ for a reason to hate Matt?

But Tai wasn't laughing any more than Matt was. In fact he looked quite grim. "I'm serious Matt, I don't have a clue what you're talking about."

Matt looked away. Did he really have to spell it out for him? "…Kari." The single name came out in a half-strangled whisper. He had been avoiding thinking about her all day and just the utterance of her name was like torture to him. Matt once again lifted his eyes to meet Tai's gaze, expecting to have to flinch away from the icy look he knew they must hold. Instead he found himself staring in disbelief at the look of confusion the other boy was wearing.

"I should hate you because I have a sister?"

Never mind screaming, Matt wanted to jump up and strangle the idiot. How could he not understand? How could he not be angry? "Now who's being dumb?" he snapped. He was doing this on purpose, Matt was sure of it. _No one_ could be this stupid. (Then again, this _was_ Tai.)

"I was expecting you to start going on about how we're always fighting or something." Tai said slowly, as though trying to figure something out. "Kari has nothing to do with that. I don't get what your trying to say Matt, now stop trying to be subtle and just tell me!" his eyes flashed angrily for a brief moment before softening again. "You know I'm no good at subtlety."

Matt wanted to cry. Why couldn't that anger have lasted longer? All those times he had goaded Tai into a fight without meaning to and now when he so desperately wanted Tai to do something – anything – to show the anger he was supposed to be feeling Matt couldn't even get a rise out of him!

"I lost her."

The words were so faint that even Matt could barely hear them. He buried his head in his arms as they rested on top of the knees he had just drawn up to his chest. Why was Tai forcing him to say it? Why couldn't he just yell and scream and punch every inch of Matt he could reach? Why couldn't he react like a normal person? Why did he have to be so…so…_Tai_-like?

"What?"

Matt didn't know if he was asking for clarification or requesting he repeat what he had just said. He didn't care. Now that he had started the words came poring out of him. "You trusted me Tai, you trusted me to look after your sister and instead I lost her! I let her get captured and I don't understand why you don't hate me for it!" There was a lump in his throat that would not go away. Despite this the words kept coming. "Why aren't you angry Tai? Why aren't you beating me up right now? Why don't you hate me? She could have died! She could have died and it would have been all my fault! It would have been my fault Tai, my fault that you didn't have a sister anymore, and…and…" Matt trailed off at the serious expression that Tai was sending his way. The lump in his throat seemed to be swelling and he tried to swallow it without much success.

"Matt you didn't LET her get captured-"

"Yes I did!" Matt yelled, jumping to his feet. A small detached part of his mind noted that it was a miracle the he didn't seem to have awoken any of the others who were sleeping around the fire, but then maybe they were just used to him and Tai fighting by now. "I let them take her away! I just stood there and watched while they carried her off and I didn't even try to stop them! Why don't you hate me for it Tai? If it had been you that lost TK I would have ripped your head clean off!"

"No you wouldn't." Tai said bluntly, getting slowly to his feet as he spoke. "If they had been after TK you never would have left his side. You would have stuck to him like glue and done everything in your power to keep him safe. You would never have trusted the rest of us to look after him better than you could yourself – that's just how you are."

"That doesn't change the fact that I lost Kari and you SHOULD hate me for it." Matt felt better in control of his emotions after his short outburst, but he was still confused, and he still wanted this to be resolved. He also still believed that the best way to do this would be to have Tai beat him into a pulp. It was perhaps this belief that made him say, "Does your sister really mean that little to you?" As soon as the words were out of his mouth he wanted to call them back. He knew that this was going too far, he had seen Tai interacting with Kari. There was no question in his mind that Tai loved his sister, but he was so confused, so frustrated. He wanted – needed – to understand, and it didn't seem that Tai was going to volunteer much on his own.

Matt closed his eyes for a moment and waited for Tai's fist to connect with his face. He deserved it, and he would take whatever Tai wanted to give him. But Tai didn't punch him. He just stood there and stared at Matt coldly. When he spoke the words were like ice. "Hikari means the world to me."

Matt winced. That small, detached part of his mind guessed that 'Hikari' must be Kari's full name. How fitting that the Child of Light had a name that literally meant 'light'. But if Tai was resorting to using her full name that he was really serious about what he was saying. Matt knew he had gone too far, but he still didn't understand why Tai still wasn't punching him. "Then why?" he whispered. Why wasn't he angry? Why wasn't he pounding Matt for everything he had done? Everything he had said?

Tai took a deep breath before he began to speak again. When he did his tone was normal, calm. There was still a glint of anger in his eyes, but he was containing it, and there was something in the way he spoke that said 'I know you're upset right now and you didn't mean that, so I'm going to ignore it.' "If it had been TK you would have done everything you could to protect him. You would have let them kill you before you allowed them to lay one finger on your brother. According to what Sora and Kari told me about what happened you were willing to go to the same lengths for my sister." Matt opened his mouth to say something but Tai cut him off. "If Kari hadn't given herself up when she did you would be dead right now, and you expect me to be angry because you're not?"

Matt stared at him for a moment, trying to process what had just been said to him. It was true that Kari had given herself up. Matt had ordered her to hide when some enemies had appeared looking for the 'eighth child' where they were waiting for Tai to come back. Their digimon had been occupied and another enemy had decided to attack by wrapping a chain around Matt's neck, pulling it tight. Matt had been unable to breath and had struggled to loosen the chain, but it just wasn't working. Just as he was sure he was about to pass out Kari's little voice had declared that she was the one they were looking for. She had scrambled out of hiding and told them she would come quietly if they would leave Matt and the others alone. The chain had been released almost instantly from around Matt's neck and he had collapsed to the ground, gasping for breath. He had tried to reach out, to stop Kari from going, but his body wouldn't respond. "…it does sound kind of stupid when you put it like that." Matt mumbled, flushing again. It was also kind of embarrassing, he had been charged with protecting Kari only to have her turn around and save his life when he failed. He vaguely wondered if he would ever live it down.

Tai's expression had softened into a small smile. "You have no idea what it means to me Matt…knowing that I can rely on you to look after Kari when I'm not around. It's a relief to know what you understand how I feel about her, and that you'll take care of her as if she were TK. I hope you know that I would do the same for you if it were necessary."

Matt glanced over to where their siblings lay next to each other on his side of the fire. The two of them had very quickly become friends, and were all but inseparable. He smiled softly. "I think I might have a vague idea on what it means to you Tai. Thank you."

Tai flashed one of his usual trademark grins. "No problem."

The two settled into a comfortable silence, each watching their slumbering siblings, each understanding what the other knew. Light and Hope. Above all others they were to be protected. Two of their enemies had targeted specific digidestined, afraid of the great power they held, and both of them were taken down by the one they hunted. Light and Hope. Kari and TK. So alike they sometimes might as well be the same person. So young, so innocent, so trusting…each believing that their own brother could do anything, and would always be there to protect them. Courage and Friendship each made an unspoken promise to themselves that they would never let their siblings (or each others) down again.

The silence was broken by the loud crack of Tai's jaw as he yawned widely.

Matt looked at him with mild concern. "Why don't you get some sleep? I can keep watch." It had been a long day, and everyone was exhausted. He didn't want Tai to fall asleep, what if something came and attacked TK? Or one of the others, Matt forced himself to add sternly. TK wasn't the only one who could get hurt. But Tai just smiled and shook his head.

"Nah, I'm good. Besides, I'm the leader right? I'm supposed to set an example for everyone else, it'd look pretty bad if I skived off my shift. Anyway, don't you have the dawn watch? You'll be dead on your feet tomorrow if you try to do both. Go lie down, Joe will wake you when it's your turn."

"So long as you remember to wake _him_ before you fall asleep." Matt said jokingly, settling down on the ground next to his brother. Tai looked slightly offended.

"You think I'd fall asleep on watch?"

"Wouldn't be the first time."

Tai laughed. It was true enough. "Maybe not, but I have a little extra incentive this time." He shot a meaningful glance at Kari, before turning back to his blond friend. "Get some sleep Matt, I'll be fine. And don't beat yourself up over what happened with Kari ok? You tried, and everything worked out all right in the end. She's safe and that's all that matters to me." Then he gave a rueful smile. "You know Kari would be horrified if she knew you were still upset about it – the girl doesn't have a selfish bone in her body, she's always thinking about others before herself. That's why she got captured – there was nothing you could have done about it."

"I understand, thanks Tai. Are you sure you don't want me to take this shift though? I could tell Joe that we switched, and then you wouldn't be skiving."

Tai looked at him as though he were insane. "Do you honestly think Joe – or anyone else for that matter – would be capable of waking me up? Once I'm asleep I'm out for the count, you know that. That's why I always opt for first watch whenever it's my turn – I know I'll never be able to take any of the others."

Matt laughed. "Yeah, I guess you're right. I'll see you in the morning then, ok? And I promise things will be back to normal – no more freaking out."

"I appreciate that. Good night Matt."

"Night Tai."

Matt lay down and watched TK breath for a while. It was soft, rhythmic, soothing. It didn't take him long to fall asleep, safe in the knowledge that everyone he cared about in either world would be safe while Tai kept watch.


End file.
